Saturday, April 30, 2011

Yesterday my oldest sister, Sarah, came over and really inspired me. 
I've been thinking about my family, and people I know. I've been thinking about myself. And how stressed out we all are. How lazy and unmotivated I am. How crazy and all over the place my emotions really  are. I've been thinking about everyone who desperately seeks out for some confidenace and happiness within themselves. About the people who seek happiness through stuff. Computer. Food. Lounging. Tv. Beer.  Drugs. 
We all look for comfort. 

So where is the best place to find comfort? Exercise. It releases so many endorphins into your body and mind to stabilize your stress levels and emotions. It makes you have MORE energy and feel more confidante. And not to mention its so not hard to do. What are you doing after you read this blog? Oh nothing important? Then put a towlel on the floor and see howany crunches you can do without resting. It won't waste any bit of your time but maybe 3 minutes. And I promise you'll feel good about it. Eating right. It does take a little effort and planning but it is fun to learn how to do it. Think of it as a new hobbie your learning. It makes you feel clean and energetic. It makes you look GOOD. It all starts with making one decission at a time and really focusig on what your doing and what you could be doing. Eat. Pray. And love. It's a beautiful balance everyone needs.
 Love meaning: Doing things for yourself. Cleaning, exercising, eating right, reading, playing music, ANYTHING positive. It also means doing things for others. Forgiving, helping, loving, greeting a stranger, and surprising others.
Pray meaning: pray to whoever for wisdom and strength. Thank whoever for happiness and peace. 
Eat meaning: well, you know. ;)

I'm mainly telling myself this. 
May first. My lifestyle is changing.

Thursday, April 28, 2011

In my lap, your hand caressed my thigh as I rolled deeply on ecstasy.
In my lap, you laid your head as you were strung out on heroin.
In my lap, your body shook as you overdosed on pills.
In my lap, tears fell after you left me pregnant.
In my lap, I bowed my head and prayed for freedom from my uncontrollable life.

In my lap, sits the most amazing thing that has ever happened to me. Eli.

Today I am separated from you for good. You signed over your rights as Eli's father. 
But forever in my lap, your memory will linger.

And finally I can let go. I can move on.
 I've been beating my head against a brick wall for months trying to figure out how someone could not care about their own child. I've been wondering when, and if he will ever come around and be the man I wish he was, but never will be. I'm accepting the fact that I may never understand why. I pray that he is blessed enough to learn how precious family really is. I pray that he can fall asleep at night knowing what he has given up. I pray to god every day for blessing me with wisdom and strength to be the best mom I can possibly be. 

I also have to thank him. I thank him for being the reason that I changed from careless to loving. I thank him for the most amazing son I could of ever asked for. I thank him for doing what's best for Eli, and not being apart of his life.

and if I had one last thing to say to him..
I'd say..

I forgive you. Because you don't know what you're doing.

This is him, and his daughter.

This is me, and my son.

and this is just the way things were meant to turn out.

Thursday, April 21, 2011


When I was little, you could hardly keep pants on me. I never wore pants around the house until I was in 6th grade. When my dad moved me from the country, to the city, I had a very hard time understanding that I had to wear pants when going outside. I loved being free and comfortable around my family.

I hardly ever put a shirt on Eli. I don't really see a need to. He will probably just spit up on it anyway. It's also 80 degrees outside. Besides, I think he looks so much cuter with his belly all pooched out. Everyone has to stop and stare at this little shirtless man when we go to the store.

Shirtless and free. :)

Wednesday, April 20, 2011


Today Eli wondered off and found himself in the kitchen for the first time. He has never actually gone from one room to the next and it's kind of a big deal to me. I admired him as he went from the oven, to the dish washer, and to the mat on the floor. He looked so confident in what he was doing. Not once did he show any sign of confusion. He was truly engaged in curiosity and quite frankly, he thinks he knew what he was doing.  He stood on the dish washer door and played with spoons like a big kid would.
Where has my little baby gone?

Tuesday, April 19, 2011


Sooo, Yesterday I had my firsssst job interview. :)
It went... pretty good! I froze a little and kind of forgot to be clever. But, they like me.
At least 20 people applied. And only one opening... so... gulp..
Now I just have to wait for my phone to buzzz.

My brother, and his girlfriend Josey came for a few days.
Sadly I was a boring host.
I had nootttthing to talk about.
Except how much I hate their dog.
Oh well, i love Vaughan and Josey.

On the way home, the sun was just blazing in Eli's eyes. So we gave him a hat and he held it so tightly over his face while he slept. :)

Friday, April 15, 2011


A part of me will always want to cling to my youth. Pieces of the 10 year old girl I once was, will always remain the same. I never want to lose my enthusiasm for life. I hope when I'm 90 years old, that roses will still be as beautiful as they were when I was 8. I never want to care any less about things. I can't believe in 6 months or so, i'l be 17. I still remember so vividly my 10th birthday party. I remember the decorations that hung, and the games we played. I don't want to forget the way I use to play "make-believe."
When I was 12, I remember staying up late with my girl friends dreaming and planning our lives as adults. It felt as if I couldn't get old fast enough.
Now, here I am. Applying for my first job. Raising my first child. Saving up every penny I get, and studying for college. As I cross over to adult-hood I can't help but to feel scared, yet terribly excited.
I will always cherish and sometimes wish I could go back to the time when I sat warm and snuggled in my Grandpas lap. I am so scared I'll forget the way it felt to be cradled.. But, I look forward to building a home and memories for my little guy. It's quite mind boggling to think that this is my life, and I can make it however I please.
I'm growing up.. and it's bitter sweet.

Thursday, April 14, 2011

I hope I get this jooooobbb!

Today I applyed for a job at Amy's Icecream.
They gave me a bag, and told me to be creative.
Here's my creative application:

I don't know about ya'll but, I think I did a damn good job.
Okay.. okay... I traced... OH WELL.

I loaded Eli in the stroller, and went to turn in my application.
I accidently got there before the store was open, so Eli and I played in the grass.
I held him as he stood there looking around. I slowly let go. He stood there by himself for 4 long seconds. I could no believe it! HE'S NOT EVEN 7 MONTHS YET! ahhh slow down Eli, please.

I'm not sure why, but I feel sooo confident about this job! I think I really might get it!
She called me and scheduled an interview for Monday.
The position is part time. 2 or 3 days a week. andddd it's late shift! Till midnight or 1am.
That's perfecccccct! Just what I was looking for! 
Eli is yet again sleeping in his crib. I'm happy.
 Although I have definitely been slacking. I've been taking naps with him and when he starts whining during the night I scoop him up and put him back in my bed.
Ugh. I seriously need to be more consistent with this.
After all... I might get this job and he's going to have to learn to sleep without me.

Wednesday, April 13, 2011

Wordish Wednesday

Your little fingers and toes will forever be imprinted on my heart.

Monday, April 11, 2011


As I'm writing this, Eli is sleeping in his own crib! Lately I've literally been fighting him to go to sleep. He'll constantly try to roll over and crawl away, or he will want to rub his eyes like a mad man, which only makes him scream louder. He is the master of sleep fighting. I have to basically hold his hands down till he falls asleep. Oh, and if I decide to let go of his hands too early, it's pretty much the end of the world.
He's also getting pretty darn big, and my twin size bed just isn't doing the both of us justice. I want him to be able to sleep on his own, with no problem.
So... Tonight I did our normal Bath, Book, Bed routine. I rocked him a little and laid him down in his crib. The water works started pouring  and I was starting to feel like this would never work. I sat down beside his crib, slid my arm between the bars to gently place my hand on his chest so he doesn't try to crawl away, and waited.
I came to the conclusion that if i gave him eye contact, I was just fueling the fire. So I continued to look at the ground, making sure I was still in his sight. After 5 minutes he stopped crying and started playing with his toes. He rubbed the blanket some, held on to the crib bars, babbled a bit, then rolled onto his tummy and fell asleep. I was in shock. Did he just sooth himself to sleep? WHAAAAAT?! I'm so excited ya'll. If I keep this up for 3 more days, maybe (Hope to god) he'll be an independent sleeper!

Saturday, April 9, 2011

ahhh.. first. :)

I've pretty much been waiting to swim with my little nugget since the day he was born. 
I'm so excited he enjoyed it. Our first trip to Barton Springs was full of smiles and laughter. I can't wait to go back! BRING ON THE TAN!! Eli and I are soooo pale. We are still the cutest little family there. (;

Friday, April 8, 2011


Hi Guys! Spring is here!
 My mum almost forgot how much she hates bugs! There is so many disgusting different kinds. I on the other hand looooove dirt and what not.

I also think I can stand up without using my hands  sometimes, and I keep bonking my dang head. (Notice red line.)

whatever.. i'm still cuteeee.

by the way, my second tooth hurrrttss! ugh. fussy baby.

Wednesday, April 6, 2011

To be Honest.

I'm getting a feeling that I'm not doing enough. 
I should get a part time job.
 It's getting to the point where cleaning just isn't satisfying anymore. 
I know I'm capable of more. 
I should freaking cook dinner every night instead of letting my dad blow 20$ for whatever.
 I want to go donate some of my milk down town. 
I need a damn car.
 I feel useless.
 I feel like an adult trapped in a kids body.
 I feel like i'm trying so hard to be good but it's not quite good enough.
 I feel like a robot, going day by day.
 and honestly, i feel really alone.
 No friends. I know I can make friends. I need to.
 I will.
I will.
I will! 
I will! 
I hope...

Sweet Baby.

The way your belly folds over the top of your diaper, and your adorable double chin. I can't seem to get enough of you chubby boy. I love the sound of the pitter patter of your little hands patting against floor.  I love when you glance over at me and decide you much rather crawl to mommy then play with your toys. I love everything about you and everyday you just keep getting more love-able.

I feel like I should be doing way more for you. I should get a job and save up money. I do indeed feel guilty for staying home with you every single day. but I can't image it any other way...

You're adorable.
and so sweet.
so smart.
so unbelievably strong.