Thursday, April 28, 2011

In my lap, your hand caressed my thigh as I rolled deeply on ecstasy.
In my lap, you laid your head as you were strung out on heroin.
In my lap, your body shook as you overdosed on pills.
In my lap, tears fell after you left me pregnant.
In my lap, I bowed my head and prayed for freedom from my uncontrollable life.

In my lap, sits the most amazing thing that has ever happened to me. Eli.

Today I am separated from you for good. You signed over your rights as Eli's father. 
But forever in my lap, your memory will linger.

And finally I can let go. I can move on.
 I've been beating my head against a brick wall for months trying to figure out how someone could not care about their own child. I've been wondering when, and if he will ever come around and be the man I wish he was, but never will be. I'm accepting the fact that I may never understand why. I pray that he is blessed enough to learn how precious family really is. I pray that he can fall asleep at night knowing what he has given up. I pray to god every day for blessing me with wisdom and strength to be the best mom I can possibly be. 

I also have to thank him. I thank him for being the reason that I changed from careless to loving. I thank him for the most amazing son I could of ever asked for. I thank him for doing what's best for Eli, and not being apart of his life.

and if I had one last thing to say to him..
I'd say..

I forgive you. Because you don't know what you're doing.

This is him, and his daughter.

This is me, and my son.

and this is just the way things were meant to turn out.

1 comment:

  1. you are wise beyond your years. seriously, i'm amazed that you can see things so clearly. you are such an amazing mom to eli and he is very lucky to have you. stay strong and enjoy those baby cuddles. he's going to be your #1 love for the rest of your life. this mama/son bond i'm experiencing is mind blowing sometimes, i know you're feeling it too. there's just something so special about a mom and their son. <3