Single mother grants.

Grants to go to school.
Yeah, I will get a bunch. And by time the end of August comes around... this mom will be a college kid.
;)

Pregnant in High school.

This is probably one of the hardest things I've ever had to overcome. Waking up every dreaded morning with a terrible stomach pain, trying my absolute hardest to get up the energy to get dressed. Sitting in class and suddenly feeling so hot, staring to sweat, about to pass out, only thing on my mind was run to the nurse. As soon as I got in the nurse's office I didn't care anymore. "I'm pregnant. About to pass out." I blurted out as fast as I could. At that moment, I knew it was over. Soon the whole school would know. Frankly, I was just going to have to live with that.
I absolutely hated walking among my peers and getting stares and hearing whispers.. "Is she? "
 "OMG, She is! haha!" 
"She's making it up." 
"I heard she's on crack."
There came a point in my pregnancy when pretty much everyone I went to school with no longer had anything in common with me. I was studying about babies, they were more worried about drama and being completely immature. Finally I could no longer take their ignorance and rudeness. I was a GRUMPY pregnant freshman who always told people how I felt.I no longer could focus in class. Many times I just wanted to cry. A few times I actually did cry. (And of course got made fun of)
I wanted to be out of school more then anything. I wanted to be around people who actually care about themselves and other people. 
Am I stronger or better from this experience? I don't think so. I think I could of gone my whole life without that torture and I'd still be a pretty good kid.
Thank god it's over.

So, oh so, random. :)

Today my dad and I cleaned the house, like crazy. It's spotless. YAY! :D

Then we went grocery shopping.

and the truth is Eli is kind of sitting in a shopping cart.

I'm finnally going to admit it.

I've been denying if for so long.

the truth is... his. hair. has. a red tone.        gulp.

Thats okay because he's still the cutest little monkey head i have EVER saw.

Then we all took naps because we were so exhausted from cleaning.

 I did NOT want to wake up.

I'm pretty sure i drank a coffee at 4pm.

Pretty sweet cell phone pics, huh?

Technology these days... sheesh.

also, eli is scooting, like a freakin' pro. ahhhh!

You do not know.. how much I want this..!!

Canon EOS Rebel T2i

Photo shoot. with runway model Eli Forrest.

I'm really going to try to embrace these next few weeks. Before I can finish folding clothes, or cleaning the dishes, and organizing all his little stuff!!!.. Eli will be crawling and getting into trouble...

Already...

Where the heck did the time go?

I'm ready to hear the sweet sound of "mama" and to see you smile as you crawl to my feet begging to be picked up. I'm not ready for you to crawl away and pay no attention to me what so ever. Maybe even scream for me to put you down.

Stop growing. Now now now.

Toes.

 So, I'm pretty much obsessed with his little feet. 

 And my little guy pretty much loves stuff in his mouth.

The day was gloomy and rainy, then BAM, 75 degrees and sunny. :)

Emotionally ATTACHED.

My heart is tied to your every need. My heart melts when you smile at me, and it rushes when you cry. My heart doesn't know how to feel without you, and honestly I'd be just fine if I didn't have to leave your side for the next 5 years. When I see you upset I automatically know what it is you need. I wouldn't even let you cry for more then a few seconds. There has been a few times when there was just absolutely nothing I could do to console you, and it completely broke my heart. The first two days you were alive, I refused to let you leave my side in the hospital. You slept in my arms as if you were made for that spot. You are so perfect and so sweet I couldn't even image handing you to the doctor to go get a piece of your genitals sliced off when you were only a day old. I couldn't image not holding you next to my heart every night as I have for the past 14 months. I didn't leave your side while you slept for the first 3 weeks. If you were to ever disappear I would become an empty soul. My colors would turn dull and words would have no emotion. You are what I live for.

I live to see you grow. I'm here to hold you if you need me. I'm watching to see you succeed and still love you when you fail. I'm so incredibly emotionally attached to you. My heart loves yours.
I wish I could stop everyone from ever breaking your heart. I want to be able to protect your skin from ever getting a bump or bruise. At this point in your life, everything is funny. Lets keep it that simple.I would love to be the kind of mom you never stop kissing on the lips. I hope you always remember how much I loved you and how much you make me smile.
When you meet a girl, remember to treat her as if your mama was watchin.

xo.

Wordish Wednesday.

Oooh.. My little man has randomly learned how to sit. 

He's pretty much all over the place and I can't make him stay still any longer.

He's a big boy now. and has a very weird sense of humor. He thinks it's hilarious to be thrown around like a rag doll and when I BURST out with a random sentence he can't help but to crack up laughing. He has a little bit of stranger anxiety too. Ohhhh he's mama's boy. :) 

...Today was filled with lots and lots of giggles. So hard to capture on camera.

beautiful weather.

Did absolutely nothing.
And it was like 80 degrees. :(
Ugh. I need a car.
I'm ready for snow cones and the lake.

New life.

Today we went to church. Had an amazing dinner. And also stopped by to see my grandpa Johnny.. I really wish I would have known him. But I know he's watching his first great grand child. After all, I did give Eli his middle, and last name. :)

No stoping you now. You're big.

little Eli.

 You're getting bigger. You can do push ups, and grab anything you want. You can eat half a jar of sweet potatos as you did tonight. You can sit on your butt without falling. You can go to sleep in your own bed. All in the hard work of a few weeks.

My words can not utter how extremely proud I am to call you mine. You go days without a tear and you put up with my complete boring-ness. You make me smile and your eyes melt my heart. You're 5 and a half months. Already. Time flew extremely fast and you're only taking off in flight from here.

I'm ready to buckle up and watch you blossom into the little boy I can't wait to meet.

Love, Mom.

Child Support.

8:30am was basically when my fate was decided. Except for the fact that what's-his-face didn't even bother to show up for court. They also decided to order a DNA test to let everyone else know the truth. We are rescheduled for sometime in a few months...

Let me tell you... Court rooms are intimidating! I couldn't stop moving. I was like a little kid in a big school who didn't know what to do. I wasn't too nervous for the sake of Eli. There is no way he's going to have to go with "him". 

I kind of really want to just put it past me and move on with life. But I can't. two more months...

BLAH!

Big Bottle Lovah.

Desperate.

I kind of cried today at how lonely I am. Eli started laughing at me. I'm serious. That cheered me right up though. Can't stay too sad when I have such a cute little guy smiling at me for no reason.
But seriously. I need to meet some friends. Going on walks alone is kind of depressing. Any advice?

 

 These are my new glasses. Yes, I know they are a bit much. But I'm kind of into the whole hippy-nerd trend.
What do you think?

Valentines day.

Just another Monday to me. I'm surprised I even know what day of the week it is. My days seem to all blend together. Everyday I pretty much do the same thing, eat the same stuff, and walk to the same places.
I'm pretty anxious to start my life. I want to be able to drive, cook dinner for my little one, go to different places and see new things. I'm ready for excitement. I desperately need some friends. Someone who will make me laugh. Someone who has similar views and thoughts as me. Someone who I can talk to. I don't get to laugh on a daily basis. I'm pretty sure that's unhealthy for the soul. Also, I'm still 16! I neeeeed to gossip.
My dad knows everything about my life. Everything. So there isn't much to laugh at or to converse about.

It was 77 degrees out today. So I spent most of my day out on a blanket in the grass with Eli looking at trees for hours. I was going to go on a walk, but where would I go? I don't want to spend any money. All I really want is someone new to talk to. I think God saw how desperate and ridiculous I looked. After I packed up the blanket and toys, someone new approached me. Her name is Cindy. She's 24, married, and has a baby boy named Peter who is only a month younger then Eli. We talked for awhile, got to know each other, exchanged numbers, and bragged about our little misters. I can't tell you how much I needed that. It was nice. and now Eli has a little buddy!

Late night thoughts.

I hate these nights when I can't fall asleep because a million things are on my mind. Thank goodness for some blog-therapy.
First, I need to be more comfortable in my skin. I'm totally insecure. It's kind of pathetic. I can't even handle people staring at me. One time I completely turned around and went back home because I couldn't walk across the street at a stoplight. I thought every single one of those cars would stare at me as I walked across. What the hell, Amadeus? That's a bit nuts. I think this insecurity is deeply rooted in side me. When I was in school, kids were little devils. Everyone always made fun of my pale skin or they would so bluntly point out ever flaw on my face. Well this is what I have to say to them now... I'm porcelain, NOT PALE! This is the way I was born and that sucks you don't like it. I am who I am and I need to embrace it.
With that being said, I'm going to start taking more pictures of Eli and myself together. Maybe. 
Second, Child support court is on Thursday. YES, THURSDAY. I'm nervous as hell. My stomach turns in knots just to think about seeing whats-his-face again. I haven't seen him in over a year. I just might jump across the room and try to choke him.. Please please please send me all your good thoughts. Pray that whatever happens, is for the best for Eli. Cross your fingers that mr.low-life-asshole doesn't get any visitation. 

Oh and have a wonderful Valentines day with all the lovely people in your life.

3rd, but definitely not last night.

I'm sorry people of Ferber Method, but I can't just let Eli scream bloody murder with tears on his face for 5 minutes then rub his back and walk away. With the blankets wet from tears, i HAD to hold his hand and whisper "mama loves Eli. I'm not going anywhere baby" while rubbing his little head. What the hell is wrong with that?  After all, I am his mama and he will NEVER be this little again and no one can love him as much as i can. No one else can rub lotion all over his body every night. No one else can sing to him and read stories about The Wild Things. I'm his one and only mama and I have to rescue him if he's crying. But thankfully he fell asleep in his crib around 7;30. No biggie. :)
My son knows i love him.
I'm still not giving up! He will sleep on his own! Last night he freaking fell off the bed. MOM FAIL. I couldn't sleep so I just had to grab him... SORRY. 

Here's my baby cakes at 2 months old.

 YUP! That's right! Property of Mom. Forever. :)

numero dose noche.

Eli and I really enjoyed the sun today. I took a few pictures on our walk with Maggie. Sorry for such little words and so many pictures. I just am LOVING my new iPhone and I don't have much to say.
Tonight I gave Eli a bath, rocked him, sang to him, rubbed lotion all over him, and cuddled. When his eyes were getting heavy I put him in his crib and BAM out within five minutes. :) 
Peace and silence.
Hopefully tonight goes smoothly. I'm completely sick and tired of washing my sheets everyday because something came out of Eli. But he's still the cutest little guy in the world!

Numero uno noche.

I can't believe how weak I am when it comes to Eli. I'm sure if someone held him hostage, I would go to brutal extreme limits to get him back. Any mom would. In my case, I'm so terribly weak, I can't even let him cry for more then a few seconds. Last night I attempted to get him to sleep in his own bed, due to his extreme tossing and turning during the night. Here is how it went down.. MOM FAIL.
6:20- He fell asleep in the car. I transitioned him from car to crib with no problem.
7:00- Wide awake! So I read him a few books and fed him. After puting him in his crib I rubbed his head or his back.I even held his hand till he finally fell asleep.
8:00- Asleep.
1:30am- He nursed and was having a terrible time getting back to sleep.
3:00am- I give up. Back in bed with me you go Eli..
7:45am- Wow. Thanks for letting me sleep in little guy! :)

I won't give up!The pros of sleeping on his own out weigh the cons. I'll try again tonight... Please, please wish me luck. I need all the strength!