Book writing.

Tons of people have told me I need to write a book on the things I've learned and the perspective of being a teen mom. I know it's never been done before and I'm very confident that it would be a huge success. People love that kind of stuff! I have so much I could say and I think I really want to do this. But... every time I sit down at my computer and begin to type I feel the need to be proper and I'm just not sure how to start or where to go with it. I hope a burst of creativeness comes to mind. I want to make millions off this book and never have to work again. :)

baby's first Christmas.

I woke up to a scream, and a sweet baby flat down on his belly on the floor. I cannot get this image out of my head. I'm shaking in horror. He's too perfect to fall. I'm so sorry baby. It probably hurts me more then it did you.

His Aunt Sarah.

'Family' traditions.

Today I decided to join the rest of the parents in tradition and take my son to have his picture taken with Santa. I'm not sure what I was hoping to get out of it, but it seems like all I got was a loss of 24$. It wasn't very memorable considering all I did was stand in line for 20 minutes, hand my child off to Santa, then go on with my not so exciting life. It's not like I was doing it to see the imagination of Christmas is Eli's eyes. He's too young to even grasp what's going on. On the other hand, the picture was cute. So did I do it just for the magic of the picture? I guess I'm not in the Christmas spirit. As I stood in line pondering all the family's, Mom, Dad, kids. I couldn't help but to feel empty. A part of the excitement of brining your child to see Santa is being with the family you created. My little family happens to be quite broken. Just Eli, me, and my dad. Not the kind of family I was hoping for when I had my first kid. As much as my dad adores Eli, I know he'll never be able to adore him as much as Eli's own father would. (If he had one.) I wish I had someone to share these special little experiences with.Other then my dad, who has already done it with 5 of his own children. These kind of experiences are meant for the typical family with 2 parents and kids. Sadly, Eli and I aren't your typical family. Just another down fall of being a single teenage mom. So rather then embracing and enjoying the first time visit with Santa, I was more like, "I'm just doing this because this is what parents do.."

Becoming Infant.

As soon as you hit your three month mark, you blossomed into a new baby. You no longer are a blob who just prefers to eat,sleep, and poop. You are becoming very interested in your environment. You turn your head every direction eagerly trying to check things out. I notice your eyes have started to twitch from side to side every now and then. I'm fairly confident it is from lack of optical nerve control that will strengthen over time. I live for those moments when you babble and smile at me. Your babbling has grown from "ooh"s and "aaah"s to some squealing "ooh"s and some angry moans. When I bring you to my face for a kiss you open your mouth wide, turn your head, and screech. Even though i'd like a kiss, I really enjoy what you do. I took you to see your great grandparents the other day, and you saw cows and cats for the first time! You weren't too sure what to think about those furry creatures, but you were very intrigued by the new surroundings. You're growing up my little mustard seed.

Just my luck.

It seems like whenever anyone comes over to visit Eli, in hopes that he'll be in a decent mood to play, he's not. He's actually in the worst mood he's been in all day. I'm not sure if it's a coincidence or Eli just doesn't want anyone who doesn't live with him to see how cute he truly is. It's kind of disappointing. As soon as our guest leaves, Eli starts babbling and smiling once again. Why can't he show everyone else what I see? On the other hand, I am truly blessed to get to see every minute of his life. Today, I swear he said "mommy". I would say mimi, and he'd try to mimic my sound, and it turned out to be mommy! My dad doesn't believe that's what he said, but I do. Even if Eli has no clue what came out of his mouth, it still was music to my ears.

He just got over 2 days of growing pains, and it's as if he's a brand new baby! Good bye newborn, hello infant! He only took an hour nap today, when usually he'll sleep off and on all day long. I'm proud to say he wasn't grumpy from lack of sleep! He talked more then usual and even laughed a bit. It brought tears to my eyes. My little mustard seed is growing right in front of my eyes..

Influence

I'm not sure if I'm making being a teen mom look fun and glamorous, but ever since I've had baby Eli a lot of young girls messaged me on Facebook with curiosity about being pregnant, questions about raising a baby, and a few pregnant girls who are excited. I try to explain to them that it's hard, and I just got lucky with having such a supportive family. I tell them they should wait  and that they have all the time in the world to make babies but first they need to establish themselves and go to college. As much as I preach to these girls, they still want to rush into things. No innocent baby deserves a naive teenager who just wants a baby because "they're so cute!" I know damn well that there aren't many young mothers who grow up as much as I did. Do these young moms even think about what values they want to teach their children? Or how they want to raise them? I doubt hardly any of them do.

With this being said... I pray for all those babies out there who aren't receiving the necessary tools in life to exceed to their full potential. That doesn't just include teenage moms, it also includes careless adult parents. Some people just shouldn't be parents. Bringing another life into this world is big responsibility and most just don't take it very seriously. No wonder this world is filled with bad people.

War has begun.

The legal system is a terrifying place, that I wish I never stepped foot in to begin with. I'm debating whether or not to go after child support or dismiss my case. The only reason I'm considering dropping the case is the off chance Kalem might actually receive some visitation rights. The judge also wants to consider changing Eli's last name to Medders. Gross. I strongly doubt that would ever happen considering Kalem has not done a damn thing. It took him about a month and a half after Eli was born to even ask what his name was. Over my dead body will Eli call that careless man "dad". Eli deserves a dad who loves him with every ounce of his being and wishes to provide him with the world. When the time is right, I know he'll have that perfect male figure in his life. It is my job as a mother to protect his innocence. I will do whatever I humanly possibly can to give him all the tools he needs in life to strive at being the absolute best little man he can be. And that begins with making sure his sperm donor never steps foot in his life... 

Dear god, please help me. I only want the absolute best for my baby...