Yesterday my oldest sister, Sarah, came over and really inspired me. 
I've been thinking about my family, and people I know. I've been thinking about myself. And how stressed out we all are. How lazy and unmotivated I am. How crazy and all over the place my emotions really  are. I've been thinking about everyone who desperately seeks out for some confidenace and happiness within themselves. About the people who seek happiness through stuff. Computer. Food. Lounging. Tv. Beer.  Drugs. 
We all look for comfort. 

So where is the best place to find comfort? Exercise. It releases so many endorphins into your body and mind to stabilize your stress levels and emotions. It makes you have MORE energy and feel more confidante. And not to mention its so not hard to do. What are you doing after you read this blog? Oh nothing important? Then put a towlel on the floor and see howany crunches you can do without resting. It won't waste any bit of your time but maybe 3 minutes. And I promise you'll feel good about it. Eating right. It does take a little effort and planning but it is fun to learn how to do it. Think of it as a new hobbie your learning. It makes you feel clean and energetic. It makes you look GOOD. It all starts with making one decission at a time and really focusig on what your doing and what you could be doing. Eat. Pray. And love. It's a beautiful balance everyone needs.
 Love meaning: Doing things for yourself. Cleaning, exercising, eating right, reading, playing music, ANYTHING positive. It also means doing things for others. Forgiving, helping, loving, greeting a stranger, and surprising others.
Pray meaning: pray to whoever for wisdom and strength. Thank whoever for happiness and peace. 
Eat meaning: well, you know. ;)

I'm mainly telling myself this. 
May first. My lifestyle is changing.

In my lap, your hand caressed my thigh as I rolled deeply on ecstasy.

In my lap, you laid your head as you were strung out on heroin.

In my lap, your body shook as you overdosed on pills.

In my lap, tears fell after you left me pregnant.

In my lap, I bowed my head and prayed for freedom from my uncontrollable life.

In my lap, sits the most amazing thing that has ever happened to me. Eli.

Today I am separated from you for good. You signed over your rights as Eli's father. 

But forever in my lap, your memory will linger.

And finally I can let go. I can move on.

 I've been beating my head against a brick wall for months trying to figure out how someone could not care about their own child. I've been wondering when, and if he will ever come around and be the man I wish he was, but never will be. I'm accepting the fact that I may never understand why. I pray that he is blessed enough to learn how precious family really is. I pray that he can fall asleep at night knowing what he has given up. I pray to god every day for blessing me with wisdom and strength to be the best mom I can possibly be. 

I also have to thank him. I thank him for being the reason that I changed from careless to loving. I thank him for the most amazing son I could of ever asked for. I thank him for doing what's best for Eli, and not being apart of his life.

and if I had one last thing to say to him..

I'd say..

I forgive you. Because you don't know what you're doing.

This is him, and his daughter.

This is me, and my son.

and this is just the way things were meant to turn out.